Sefer Bereishit

Parshat Lech Lecha:
On Protecting Family Relationships

By Rabbi Dr. Shmuly Yanklowitz

So much happens in Parshat Lech Lecha—from God’s call to Abraham to go to an unknown land, to Abraham and Sarah’s 1 dealing with Pharoah, to the institution of circumcision—that there is one crucial dynamic that we can easily overlook: the relationship between Abraham and his nephew Lot. 

In fact, when Abraham and Sarah leave on their famous journey, they take Lot with them. By Genesis chapter 13, however, things get complicated, as Abraham and Lot find that the hill country they’re settled in does not provide enough room for Abraham, Lot, and all of their flocks, herds, and tents. Consequently, there is quarrelling between Abraham’s cattle herders and Lot’s cattle herders. 

Wanting to avoid a tearing apart of the family, Abraham tells Lot, 

“Let there be no strife between you and me, between my herders and yours, for we are kin. Is not the whole land before you? Separate now from me: if you go north, I will go south; and if you go south, I will go north.” 2

So Abraham allows Lot to choose prime, well-watered land (“like the garden of the Lord”) 3, and they part ways amicably. This seems to be an excellent solution—until a war breaks out, Lot’s land is invaded, and Lot himself is taken captive. Upon finding out about this, Abraham, despite the separation, quite literally goes to war for his nephew. 

Genesis chapter 14 relates: 

He [Abram] mustered his retainers born into his household, numbering three hundred and eighteen, and went in pursuit as far as Dan. At night, he and his servants deployed against them and defeated them; and he pursued them as far as Hobah, which is north of Damascus. He brought back all the possessions; he also brought back his kinsman Lot and his possessions, and the women and the rest of the people. 4

I believe that this ancient story, as archaic as it is, can actually teach us a lot about how we can live our family lives today. 

First, we can look to how Abraham and Lot continue to get along when they realize there is not enough land for the both of them and tensions begin to crop up. We see that it’s okay for family members to decide to have some necessary distance—it’s ultimately what preserves their relationship. This also holds true for a family unit living under the same roof; it is not necessarily healthy to spend every minute of the day together.


But second, on the other hand, when Lot is in trouble, Abraham drops everything to fight for his nephew. In all this, we see both the value of independence from one’s family and the value of taking responsibility for one’s family. 

While having space and separation can be not just legitimate but beneficial, we simultaneously recognize that we have a duty to help our family members when we are needed. 


It is relatively easy to think about the spiritual work we can do to repair ourselves and to repair the wider world. Some of the most difficult work, though, is often repairing our families. By studying the story of Abraham and Lot, we are reminded that it is imperative to maintain positive family relationships. 


Research shows that over 1 in 4 American adults are estranged from a family member. 5 In many cases, the breakdown of these familial bonds is damaging to the lives of everyone involved. 


What can we do about this? In the 17th-century ethical work Shenei Luchot HaBerit, Rabbi Isaiah HaLevi Horovitz suggests that, like Abraham, we must work on our relationships before they are broken. He writes: 


One must make great efforts to avoid personal strife. If a quarrel is in the offing, one must immediately strive to remove the cause of such quarrel. 6


He then refers to the Book of Mishlei, Proverbs, which says:


To start a quarrel is like releasing water;

before a dispute flares up, drop it. 7

Why the urgency? In Horovitz’s language, one disagreement “gives birth” to another. For this reason, he holds out Abraham as the ideal example of someone who resolved a conflict before it got out of hand. 8

Amid the tension between cattle herders, Abraham easily could have told his nephew, “There is no room for you here. Go back to Haran,” or, “I will take the fertile land on the plain of Jordan, while you stay here.” Instead, Abraham ends the conflict by giving Lot his choice of land. 


Yes, every family has tensions, but the growing trend of distancing oneself from one’s family needs to be reversed. In the Torah worldview, the family has always been the center, and with the loneliness epidemic we are witnessing and experiencing today, it is perhaps more important than ever to remember our ancestors’ cherished moral priorities. 

And so, Avraham and Lot offer us a healthy and helpful paradigm of how we can still take care of our family members even when we need to maintain some distance. It is not all or nothing. You don’t need to live on the same street as your parents in order to be a responsible son or daughter. At the same time, one rarely benefits from never speaking to, visiting, or caring for a family member at all.  


On the contrary, we should view our family members—even extended family, such as the relationship between Abraham and Lot—to a reasonable extent, as people we’re obligated to. When a nephew or cousin calls for help, it is different than a stranger calling. While we must be there for all in need, at the same time we all need people we can count on, and family is really the best and often the only system we have of meeting this need. 


There is a middle ground to be found between dysfunctionally close and painfully distant family relationships. By being proactive to strengthen family bonds, and by doing the often-difficult work of repairing ties when they’ve endured distress, we can get a little bit closer to the model of family demonstrated by Abraham. 




Sources


  1. Although Abram and Sarai’s names are not changed to Abraham and Sarah until chapter 17, we refer to them throughout this essay as Abraham and Sarah. 
  2.  Genesis 13:8-9
  3.  Genesis 13:10
  4.  Genesis 14:14-16
  5.  Karl Pillemer, Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them, p. 27
  6.  Shenei Luchot HaBerit, Torah Shebikhtav, Lech Lecha, Derekh Chayim 4
  7.  Proverbs 17:14
  8.  Shenei Luchot HaBerit, Torah Shebikhtav, Lech Lecha, Derekh Chayim 4